To the Sexy Mrs Potter:
by Lania26
Summary: Sirius accidently sends a note to James' mom telling her what a bad boy her son has been. Now what lengths will he go to get it back? JPLE and SBOC.


**This is just a little fanfic about the Marauders and their friends during their 7th year. This chapter is a little short (believe me, I know) but hopefully they will get longer as the story continues. Please read the entire chapter before deciding whether you like it or not. Thanks!**

The Letter to Mrs. Potter:

"James, are you going to eat that?"

"No, help yourself to it Wormtail," James said, leaning back in his chair and letting out a satisfied sigh. "I'd forgotten just how good the food at Hogwarts was."

"Yeah, but those house elves have nothing on your mum's cooking, Prongs."

"She only cooks for you Padfoot. You should have seen her before you started staying with us; it was half frozen Centaur Steaks and Goblin Burgers every night. Once I asked her what she was making for dinner, just as polite as you please, and do you know what she said? She said, "Well James Potter, I'd say you're old enough to start finding food for yourself, don't you think?" So I told her that I was a growing boy and that if she wouldn't step up to her motherly responsibilities I would have to find someone else who would."

Remus let out a low whistle. "And how did that go over, mate?"

"She hopped right to work and fixed me a three course meal," James said, smirking as usual.

"The hell she did!" Sirius cried. "I remember that night now. That was the night you stayed at my place, burping up soap bubbles every other minute because your mum used the _scougify _spell on you."

They all laughed then, James with them, his hazel eyes shining.

"Ahh… those were the golden days."

"They were indeed," Sirius echoed. "But that was before you fell madly in lust with your lady love and all reasonable thoughts flew out the window."

"If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times. It's not lust, Padfoot, it's love."

"The day I believe that is the day I go join a convent."

"But Sirius, you can't join a convent… you're a man," Peter said, looking slightly confused.

"That, my dear Wormtail, is entirely the point."

"Oh."

After a brief lull in conversation while Peter finished off the rest of the pudding and Sirius talked animatedly to Quinton about the Quidditch scores, Remus asked James when he had last seen Lily.

"Today at King's Station," he replied. "You should have seen her Moony. She was getting out of her parent's car and her hair was blowing about and her eyes were sparkling like someone had told her a joke." He sighed. "And then she saw me and frowned."

Sirius nudged Remus in the shoulder and whispered audibly, "She was frowning because Prongs here was making such an ass of himself, waving and jumping about. If I had been on the receiving end of all the excitement I wouldn't have frowned, I would have run for the hills."

"I was not jumping about Sirius, I was merely trying to see past your fat head."

"Now is that the way to talk to your dearest friend, Prongs. Really, I am shocked at your ill manners. I shall have to write a letter to your dear mother." And with that Sirius grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill from his bag and started, reading aloud as he went along.

**To the wonderfully sweet and sexy Mrs. Potter, **

**It has come to my attention that the git you call your son is sorely lacking in the "manners department," while this is surely not a fault of yours (I personally blame all of those trashy novels that he reads and that hooligan Remus Lupin) I would nonetheless like to inform you of his misdeeds to allow you to chastise him in a way you find proper. (I suggest the use of the _reducto_ charm on that big head of his.) Be prepared for the list of his crimes as follows for they might hurt your gentle heart.**

**Lusting in a very non-virtuous way after a certain redhead going by the name of Lily Evans.**

**Cursing quite regularly (even in the presence of the gentler sex).**

**Sneaking through the castle after hours (no doubt to nefarious ends).**

**Playing childish pranks on those less fortunate and more slimy that himself.**

**Corrupting innocent youths such as myself and poor Peter Pettigrew.**

**Hitting the Slytherin Quidditch captain in his ugly head with a bludger. (Oh wait. Scratch that last one…. That was me.)**

**Falling asleep in History of Magic on a regular basis.**

**Stealing food from those poor, overworked house elves in the middle of the night. **

"Moony I can't seem to think of any more. What do you think?"

"Well he does borrow my homework quite often," Remus said, looking apologetically.

"Brilliant! Thanks Moony," Sirius replied.

**Bullying those weaker than himself (i.e.: Remus Lupin) into handing over his homework.**

**Calling his friends horrible names.**

**Diving over the breakfast table at before mentioned friends, which implies bad table manners. **

**Using violence to acquire his means. **

"Don't forget to mention how he copies off of me on every Charms exam," Courtney said, sliding into her usual seat beside Sirius as he and James wrestled over the parchment.

"Oh not you too," James groaned, sitting back down, defeated.

Sirius laughed and gave Courtney a quick kiss before returning to the letter.

**Copying off those smarter, sweeter and infinitely sexier than himself. (I am referring to Courtney, not myself.)**

**Tricking gullible Professor Trelawney into thinking that he can "see the future" in his teacup and informing her that those born under the sign of Gemini (himself) must be allowed to leave class early or a meteor will fall from the sky and the school will crumble beneath it. **

**Using that extra time in the hallway to achieve his nefarious ends.**

**And finally, his most sinful act of all:**

**Refusing to admit that some of his friends (me) are smarter, more attractive, smoother with the ladies and much better at Transfiguration that himself, and therefore failing to submit whole heartedly to their wills. **

**Thank you for your time in reading this and I hope it has reached you in a place of comfort (such as a chair) so that you were not so shocked by this that you fainted and are now lying unconscious on the floor. The truths of our children are hard to face, believe me, I know, but face them we must so as to better punish… I mean help them. Once again I thank you for your time and most sincerely hope to see you on Christmas break.**

**Love your most loyal and willing slave,**

**Sirius Orion Black Esquire**

**XXXXXXXXXXXX**

Once he was done writing the letter Sirius rolled it up and using one of Courtney's hair ribbons tied it securely.

"You will have to be nicer to me now, James." he warned, smiling and waving the letter around in front of his friends face. "Or else I will send this letter to your darling mother and she will finally know what kind of a man you really are."

"Sirius, you do realize that most of that stuff you have done yourself?"

"I assure you that I don't know what you are talking about.'

James opened his mouth to speak but he was cut off by a blue-grey blur that flew between Sirius and himself. Sirius cried out as the blur wrenched the letter from his outstretched hand, and flew off down the hall, through the opened window and no doubt towards the Potter mansion. He stared off after the owl in a mix of awe and horror, thinking only of his saucy little letter to Mrs. Potter clasped tightly in it's talons.

**A/N- I'm not really sure where this little fanfic is going but I plan on updating on it regularly depending on my mood and creativity. Leave a review please, but don't just say "I love it" or "I hate it." Tell me what's wrong, or what's right or what just plain sucks. Anyways, I'll probably continue based on feedback so PLEASE REVIEW.**


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